Physical Theory of Thesii

I pulled a Ph.D. dissertation a few minutes ago (to look for an infinitesimally small bit of information, by the way) and ran into this gem on the page directly after the cover pages, attributed to Anonymous (he comes up with the best stuff, if you haven’t noticed):

“The mass of this thesis contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight. The author accepts no responsibility for damages that may result from improper usage.

Because of the Uncertainty Principle, it is impossible for the reader to find out at the same time both precisely where this thesis is and how fast it is moving.

There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as “tunneling”, this thesis may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in this, or a parallel, multiverse. The author will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.

According to certain suggested versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the primary particles constituting this thesis may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.

This is a 100% matter thesis: In the unlikely event that this thesis should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.

Any use of this thesis, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the reader is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the death of the universe.

The most fundamental particles in this thesis are held together by a “Gluing” force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power can therefore not be permanently guaranteed.

Despite any other listing of thesis content found herein, the reader is advised that, in actuality, this thesis consists of 99.9999999999% empty space.

The author may technically be entitled to claim that this thesis is Ten-Dimensional. However, this confers no legal rights to the reader above and beyond those applicable to Three-Dimensional objects, since the seven additional dimensions are not detectable.

Some quantum physics theories suggest that, when the reader is not directly observing this thesis, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.

Care should be taken when lifting this thesis, since its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to the reader.

The entire physical universe, including this thesis, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this thesis in that universe cannot be guaranteed.”
-Anonymous

Apparently getting a doctorate doesn’t entirely rob one of a sense of humor. Okay, back to trying to get funding so I actually have a thesis to write. But this brightened my day, so I thought I’d share.